Xavi Matteo: The Chronicles: Staying above water and holding up the boat

Before Mario left, I settled in my head and heart that YES, being on my own with two kids under two was going to suck at times and YES, it wasn't easy. YES, I am tired/exhausted and YES, there will be/are days when all I am doing is surviving. We talked about it and I always appreciate his perspective because I know that he has put himself into "the arena" and lives what he encourages me to embrace.

Mario is impressive (in many ways), I mean he can be normal and balanced even when hungry and tired...something that I have yet to master, although I am much better than I used to be. He can keep going, push through, and put off comfort until the job is done. Mario made it through two hell weeks during BUDS in the WINTER (think VERY cold water, NO sleep, extreme physical exhaustion and unbelievable fatigue, hallucinations, and so on)...the first hell week, he had to do over because he got caught having pneumonia in the last few hours. The second time, he just did a better job of hiding the blood in his spit and made it through. Aaaargh...I couldn't imagine! I, on the other hand am a bit more squeamish when it comes to discomfort, getting dirty, digging in, diving in. Once I get in and get dirty, I am amazing too! But it's that first dive into the cold water that is tough for me. The key is having the right frame of mind.

I decided that even though this was going to be a significant challenge that I wasn't going to get mentally hung up on any of the following (insert whining as appropriate): I am so tired and no one is letting me sleep. Xavi won't take a nap/eat his food/wear a diaper. The baby is fussy. The dog pooped on the bathroom rug during the night. I am so tired. I am hungry. I can't eat a lot of my favorites because it makes the baby fussy. I am so tired AND hungry. I miss Mario. I am all alone.

I decided that this is my life and in many ways I am happier /more content than I have ever been. I am going to be thankful for it all. I love my life with my boys. I love the new challenges that all of this brings. I love being able to move again (after lumbering around with a pregnant body) and feeling myself come back to "normal". This is my reality. My normal. Tired. Hungry. Fussy. Crying. Tantrums. Pee. Poop. Stretchy pants. I love being "just a mom" and being here for our boys.

I remember the day that I settled this in my mind not long after Nico was born. I texted Mario while he snuck out for a surf during nap time. I tried to nap but like whack a mole...one went to sleep and the other popped awake. I was exhausted and decided that this "was my hell week"...or two, or month, or 6. But it was my reality and I was going to embrace the cold, the dirt, the grit of it all. Failure just wasn't an option.

Mario's response to my text message made me tear up. (Granted this was when I was all weepy in those early weeks after giving birth...but still!) He said, "I'm in it with you babe. I'll keep my head under the boat with you." ...well, it just made me tear up again, so I really am that sappy and weird. If you don't get the reference, read up on BUDS training and you might tear up too. Basically, I took it to mean that he would hold up his side of the boat we were both struggling to hold above our heads while running in the sand and surf. And also, in the end, we'd be still standing, together, looking back and laughing at all we just made it through. I wasn't alone and I wasn't the only one sacrificing.

This was the first week that I braved the evenings alone. Until now, I've had family or hired support to get supper, tubby, and bed time done with everyone in one piece and the dishes done. I am happy to report that it's going very well. I am finding my rhythm and routine. We all are.

I miss Mario and can't wait for him to be here again....annoying me with loud TV and eating all my special treats. But we are ok...still holding up our side of the boat and smiling through the "pain". Here's some shots from this past week.