It's been a tough week for people in lots of places and it's getting harder and harder for me to watch the news. Every time they show kids reuniting with their parents after the terrifying ordeal, screaming for their moms, I choke up and can't talk. Xavi looks at the tears leaking out of my eyes and he does this "pat pat pat" without really knowing what is going on with crazy ol mom. Being a mom makes me so vulnerable...and I can't stand it. I hate that feeling of not being in control (HA!) and I don't like feeling what may be perceived as weakness. I am, however, learning that vulnerability does NOT make us weak but actually allows us to connect, to love, and to be wholly loved. Ugh. I still don't like it. But I'll still take being a mom and being this vulnerable to any other alternative. I pray that I'll never have to weather a storm like those families have in Oklahoma and other places around our country...and if we do, i hope I have the grace to come through as many of them have.
|see story below|
Some days here i feel a lot less than grace-full with a lot less stress, relatively speaking. Oh-there is stress and some times it feels like my ears are going to start bleeding and I really want to yell "SHUT UP!" at the top of my lungs...see what I mean? NOT grace-full. But I don't (unless you count going into the bathroom and muttering four letter words into the towels I'm "re hanging").
|Alfie's had it rough too. He keeps getting stuck in the "muck" and any puddle around.|
In the last four, five days now, either Xavi or Nico has had a fever, been extra needy, and/or just feels like crap. Nico's poor gums are so swollen and it looks like they'll pop through any day. Xavi was sick for a few days and still isn't 100%, but he's stressed with some of the upcoming changes we've been talking about and now has canker sores in his mouth. ugh. definitely not a EF-5 tornado but the noise in my head sure resembles one. When things are like this I just have the hardest time engaging...all I want to do is "numb" out (watch TV, read a book, facebook again, do anything except pay attention to the crying and constant whining/needing around me). isn't that terrible? But when I realize what I'm doing and re-engage, it's kind of amazing how things slow down again and everyone needs LESS not more.
It also turns out that the kids are very in tune with my energy and as I amp up, stress out, or even "control" my anxiety...they feel it and they react in kind. Gosh. That is a hard pill to swallow since I know that I've been nervous for our upcoming reunion with papa..which has definitely affected my whole house. I really wanted to enjoy the last few days together with my boys, to celebrate what we've just come through, and frankly, it's just been quite miserable. I did have a moment last night however when I went outside to put the stroller away, lock the gate. I remembered the night 7 months ago that Mario left me in tears at the front gate. I remembered him looking back at me with the adorable boyish look that he can have while saying "I'll be back before you know it babe. It's going to go so fast." I didn't believe him at the time and some days it didn't feel very fast. I missed him but at the same time, I got used to him being gone (which is scary in itself as I ponder what that all means...). My eyes welled up with tears, feeling pride at what we've just come through and feeling anxious for what's yet to come.
The exciting homecoming and resultant changes will be a bit stressful...for everyone. He goes from being a bachelor who has been sleeping and eating in peace to hearing the crying/screaming that currently is our life. I go from wearing the pants, making decisions, and being the sole comforter in chief to sharing, giving up control, and sharing (for more info on my potential issues with sharing, read past blogs about "Xavi's issue" with sharing or see above my need for control). Xavi needs to see where he is fits in with papa around to share mom and Nico is wondering who in the world this handsome guy is. I know this is not unique to our family. Every military family goes through this after a deployment. There are pamphlets, support sessions, and get away weekends to help families work through it all. I am thankful for that support but in the end, no one can get in there, get dirty, and weather this storm for us. A friend of mine shared a song he wrote and in it he sings
"I want to hold your hand...and through this storm our love will stand...
The roof might not make it through the night...but I know our love will be alright.
I am ready...I am willing."
Thanks for your prayers and love. I hope we don't lose the roof but more importantly, I hope this storm will pass in its due time and with mercy.
*My Xavi is so creative...here he is re-enacting a Thomas and friends story where a couple of naughty trucks crash into the special lightening tree. Thomas and his friends work hard to save the lightening tree by holding it up until they can prop it up with proper support. Here they are holding up the "lightening tree"and working together. I've come across these trucks in similar postures at the base of other structures as well...I smile seeing it since I know what he is doing and I love it! When he "crashes into the buffers" and the buffers are his brother...I don't love that as much. oh well...I guess I'll take it as long as I can catch little Nico in time.