Xavi or Momma?

It's me!  I was about 5 months old in this picture...about the same as Xavi.  Funny that when I look at him, it is hard for me to see myself.  I see Mario's eyes, hair (or what it will be like someday), arms (or again, what they'll look like someday)...but looking at this picture, it's hard to miss.  He's my son...no doubt about it.  And I can't get enough of him.  What an absolutely amazing, incomparable experience... my flesh and blood mirrored back at me. 

Thumb sucking?

Xavi doesn't really suck his thumb or take a pacifier...

But lately, he's found his big toe irresistable.

 

Good flexibility training anyway!

I quit! (the books, that is...)

My favorite card...pretty much says it all.

I actually got some advice from a new mom while I was pregnant to "stay away from the books...cause it will make you crazy".  And I kept the reading to a minimum..I was after all still finishing my labor and delivery books, nursing books, and nutrition books.  Then, I was too busy treading water as a new mom to read much...that is until Xavi was almost three months.  Then I thought I needed to catch up on what I've been missing...I mean, how do you do this right?  How do you know what is normal?  And of course, how do I not make any mistakes?  (hee hee...yes, even I am laughing at myself right now)

As I've posted before, I love to read and always have.  It's how I like to learn and so here I was needing/wanting to learn...so I turned to books, advice or not.  I read about attachment parenting (breast feeding, sleep sharing, baby wearing, etc...), child development, and what finally broke me...sleep.  I read five different sleep books, all to learn how to help my child sleep well and eventually, independantly.  Xavi is not a "bad sleeper" but he is a cat napper, napping for almost exactly 30-40 minutes then waking up ready to party..only to need another nap in an hour or two.  Try to getting anything done on that schedule.  I once figured that I spent 90 minutes putting him down for 180 minutes of sleep.  At night, he was sleeping well but he slept with us still (and for that matter, slept great.)  The only time I could get him to nap for longer than one sleep cycle was if I napped with him and nap nursed him into another cycle or two.  So...I really wanted to see if there were "tricks" to help him do that on his own.  Did I really want to nap with him every day?  And of course then I heard plenty of..."better be careful, he's gonna get used to that and you'll be doing that for the rest of his childhood..."  In regards to the sleep sharing/co-sleeping..."we made that mistake with our first one...you're gonna have to break him of that soon.  with our second, we learned that when they cry they don't die..."  Needless, to say I became frustrated and the books seemed to re-inforce my frustration instead of helping to alleviate it...because my baby didn't respond the way the books said that he would/should.   

I stopped reading the "attachment parenting" books not because I disagreed with it...if I had to call our parenting style anything...I would call it as such.  But the books reassured me that if I wore my baby in a sling...he wouldn't cry as much.  (ummm...I now own 5 different types of baby carriers...in search of "the One" that would give me the content, calm baby that the book described if carried in a sling.)    Xavi has always wanted to be held...even now, he does not enjoy "independant" play time as much as he likes to be carried while I do household chores or our daily walks.  Rather than fight that, be frustrated, and keep him in a state of stress...I hold him, carry him in a sling, play with him...and yes, he still cries (sling or not).  But I decided that I'd rather be holding him as he cried than making him cry harder by forcing something that a book told me was the "right" way OR by trying to live up to some "ideal" put forth by a book.  I am an attachment parenting momma and my baby still cries for no reason.  I am (now) ok with that and can (usually) use my god given intuition to know what he needs. And sometimes that is ME.

As soon I was pregnant, I learned quickly that becoming a mom meant opening yourself up to solicited and plenty of unsolicited advice, both well meaning and annoying types.   But as an article I read recently pointed out, no two points are more discussed as breast feeding and sleeping.   (Yes, I still read...books and articles, too) Anthropologically speaking, babies are meant to breast fed until they are 6-7 years old and sleep with their parents at least until they are 3 years old.  Wow! Really?  Anthropology is a measure that Mario and I use often to gauge our approach to many things: nutrition, exercise, simplicity...etc, now child rearing.   What are we equipped for?  How are we "wired" to work ideally?  Our genes have not changed in thousands of years...our lifestyles/diets/child rearing have changed significantly.  Strange as it sounds to breast feed until they have a full set of baby teeth, we still need to eat, live, and rear children the way our far ancestors did.  Our culture, instead of taking care of the baby's actual anthropologic needs and trying to model childcare after what his genes are coded to seek, is trying to make a baby fit into our modern lifestyle requirements that may or may not be in the baby's best interest.

So how does that all fit in with what we are currently "taught" by other popular books and advice panelists?  Well, what I can ascertain is that we parents are being "manipulated" by babies who want to be in control of our lives and this is something that must be "broken".  (Excuse my Chris Farley "quotation marks" in this posting...I'd probably be even more animated if you were talking to me in person.).  No, I don't want to be that mom in the grocery store reasoning with her child..."Xavi, if you don't stop throwing a temper tantrum, you won't get any whip cream on your frappucino.".. but does my five month old really manipulate me?  Does he need to be "broken" in order to fit into what model he "should" fit into?   

I personally have decided to quit reading books and taking the "experts" word for it or trying to implement someone else's system...I still read and gather great information from many sources, including my sisters, parents, and friends, BUT I weigh everything against my own intuition and my own (still) developing parenting belief system. And I welcome comments, arguments...if only to test my own resolve.  I know that I will make plenty of mistakes and in hindsight, will recognize approaches that I would change.  But for now...I'll breast feed Xavi as long as it makes nutritional and personality sense (doubtful that we'll go until 6 or 7...kindergarten? yikes ;)).  And I absolutely love sleeping with him...and so, I continue to teach him to be comfortable and secure sleeping on his own, but will welcome him into our bed as long as it makes health, relationship, and personality sense.  I've also made peace with his not "normal" sleeping pattern of catnaps.  It is exhausting... but I keep repeating to myself that this is temporary.  It won't always be like this and this will pass.  Someday he won't want to be held and someday, if he is like his father, he will be able to sleep through just about anything.  It isn't necessarily what is most convenient for me/us and I'm pretty sure I'll seriously consider a boob job after I'm done...but it is what his little cave baby genes need at this stage of his life. 



Even their hairline is the same...look closely.  Same colic, same wave...

 What would I recommend for a new mom?  By all means, read...soak it up; learn and grow, however you do best.  But know that YOU KNOW BEST.  No one knows your baby like you do and you can't really be wrong if you listen to what your heart and intuition is telling you.  And what would I say to the veterans out there?  Give advice when asked, when needed...but encourage us "young" moms to listen to our intuition, to listen to our baby's voice, and that "this too shall pass". 

PS - I didn't mean this to be so long..but once I got going the words just kept coming. And I am not even frustrated...I finally have my feet under me and wanted to share my excitement!  Thanks for listening!

The Lori Jo visit

Catch up from early March:  We were so lucky to have Auntie Lori Jo come to visit us all the way from Tampa.  She got here late on Friday night after a hard day, week, month of work (She's a VP at Celestar Corporation) and was ready to relax. So we did...on the beach, at our house, going for coffee, and laughing as I do only with Lori Jo.  The added bonus that I didn't think we'd get to?  She helped me shop for a new comfy couch AND a recliner.  Our Christmas present was a gift card to go towards the purchase of a new recliner.  Little did I know that we would be able get both...

Chilling on our patio with our coffee. 

Lori and lil Xavi

Xavi loved his Auntie Lori...she's such a natural!

Little did I know that 'Big Lots' has furniture!  I'd never been in a 'Big Lots' before but...they had a one day sale, they had a set that we really liked, and they would deliver.  For anyone who's been to our house, you know we had the most uncomfortable couch EVER!  And not enough places for us, guests, and the dogs to sit...DONE!  And we love them...thanks Lori!  Now our cozy cottage is officially HOME...and it feels like it! 

Papi's new recliner

We left Xavi at home with Dad while we went to the store.  We weren't gone too long but I was getting nervous...would he have a meltdown?  We walked in and saw the following image...

Usually we take his clothes off when he's getting fussy or about to lose his mind in a tantrum.  So I was quick to assume that something had happened in my absence..."No", was the calm response.  "We were looking at the flowers and he had an explosion in his pants that required a wardrobe change." 

The rest is just amusing to look at.  My boys...

 

Our day at the beach was beautiful.  Mario got to surf Salt Creek and we walked in the sun.  Xavi soaked up the rays (you know, Vitamin D), slept, and read his book. 

Who's that guy?!  Looks like his "Magnum" look

Beach Bum

Mario gave Lori a treatment and apparently had an "ideal" response...red, raised skin indicating an immune, healing reaction.  She fell asleep almost immediately after the treatment...a new woman the next morning.

The good (and handsome) doctor at work

Lori's needles and response

I loved having so many visitors since Xavi's birth...I like much less the trip to the airport when it's time for everyone to go home.  Maybe someday we'll have more than the occasional, very special  long weekend...maybe not.  I just soak it all up whenever we are together.  And harrass Lori to drink more water, sleep a little  more, eat her greens, and work not too hard.  (And say hi to Matt...we can't wait to meet you!)

 I feel so blessed that Xavi has been able to meet each of our families and I'm so thankful for those that traveled so far to spend time with us.

Good times

Laughing with Dad 

Playing in the sunshine

Morning Talk...new sounds

Time Flies

I was just re-reading my last post (and really can't believe a MONTH has gone by already)!  I am quite sure that anyone reading this blog will think...boy it's been a rough month!  (All that talk about usually posting when I'm happy, blah blah...?)  Really....all in all it has been a wonderful month!  A very full and busy month but wonderful all the same.  Time has just gone so fast that I hardly know where to begin.  I do have lots to catch up on and I promise that I will (albeit quickly).  But for today, I just want to get something on the record and show you how much Xavi has grown in this quick month. 

Happy Baby pose

Xavi is now FIVE months old.  He measures 27 inches long when he isn't wiggling and weighs about 18 lbs.  He talks constantly, even more than before. He's added a few new sounds to his reportoire...high pitched squeals, squeaks, and humming. 

"surrender monkey!"

Enter high pitched squeal right here...and now "I've got you monkey!  there is no escape!"

He and his dad joke around all the time.  Apparently, Xavi's papa is just hilarious.  Every time Xavi sees his dad, he smiles in a very infectious way as if to say..."hey you...aren't I cute?  does my smile make you want to smile?  let's party!".  He has a specific smile for his dad, for Miss Debbie, for Diego, for Sasha, and one for most people we meet.  All in all, he is a very happy boy, very social, and playful.

Miss Debbie and Xavi playing on the couch...he is smiling at Diego.

I was not feeling well here...Xavi was doing fine and is smiling at his dad here.

We bought a bike Burley on Craig's list for $75 (!) and tried him in it already...not quite ready. He almost tipped over.  McGyver here will rig it so that he can ride with us to breakfast.

He plays on his tummy for long periods of time; reaching, grabbing, kicking his legs like crazy...trying to move forward, but usually just moving in a circle. He loves anything that crinkles and  puts absolutely everything in his mouth.  And...he is happiest when he is naked.  So we have two "kiki" times... on sunny mornings after his first nap and just before tubby time.  Plus anytime in between when all else fails to make him stop fussing. 

Not naked this time...just watching Fox News with mom.

Thanks for hanging in there with us as life happens.  Right now, it is so sweet and each moment so precious...even the ones where I'm barely hanging on for lack of sleep or fussing by the one needing all my attention in any given moment.  When I get frustrated, I'm trying to stay conscious of the fact that this will pass all too quickly.  I am committed to staying current with this blog and will just have to figure out how to manage to do so through my rapidly failing eyelids.  And quick...before he wakes up again!

A big week for a big boy

This week was a week of beautiful weather here in Southern California.  Sunshine and warmth..Spring is in the air and even though we didn't have to survive winter's blizzards and freezing temperatures, the change does a body (and mind) good.  Plus, I really think that having a storage room and more "space" in our lives has lifted an invisible weight from our shoulders.  I could BREATHE this week and felt that unmistakable tug of satisfaction and happiness in my heart. 

With the exception of one night of less than 3 hours sleep...due to a mind refusing to take a break from the hamster wheel, we slept reasonably well, waking refreshed, and ready for each new day.  I began my exercise regimen anew, running and lifting weights, and had some precious moments with my little boy. 

I've begun to look forward to having "Miss Debbie" come everyday to "play" with Xavi.  He adores her and loves her "fancy" British accent as she sings and talks to him almost as much as I do.  She takes him for long walks in the sun and tries to convince him to nap (he's a big of a stinker where naps are concerned...30-40 minutes and he's up, ready to party and catch up on what he's missed).  He's learned how to take breast milk from the bottle and he's begun to take almost a whole feeding.  (But he still prefers the boob and usually lets us know when he's done with the whole weird fake nipple thing.)  They dance to the music in his room and he seems to love music, especially the latin ones with a good beat.

Xavi's new "IPod"that Gramma Momma gave him
It plays lots of cool songs and lights up like a disco

Asleep on Miss Debbie for a little cat nap

Almost as important, I can focus on my work without worrying, stressing, or crying.  Another huge bonus of having help?  My house looks better than it ever has...the small things I choose not to stress about getting done, GET DONE!  Debbie helps with small household chores and I've found...that it really is the "small" things that make the biggest difference.  No grand gestures are necessary (although appreciated...see Grampa's visit blog for more on that) but wipe the counters, sweep the floor, fold the laundry, wipe the mirror?  Ahhh, the stirrings of satisfaction and happiness? Starting to well up and fill up my "tank".  And with that, I find myself finishing things that have been on my list for a long time now, including organize the breast milk in the freezer instead of just throwing them in there haphazardly.  (I mean, that stuff is like liquid gold...and now it is properly containerized AND labeled!)  I think this is also why exercise has started to feel so good again...before it was just one more thing that needed to get done in an already full and exhausting day.  Happy momma indeed.

Relaxing in the hammock and sunshine

This was the week that Xavi graduated to going for stroller rides in the BOB without his car seat!  He, and both Debbie and I were ecstatic at this momentous occasion.  (He usually expressed his extreme displeasure when put in the car seat to go for walks...eeek!)  Now, when we go for a run, he hums with the bumps and watches the world pass by.  He will still let me know when he needs to be closer to mom and would prefer to be in the Moby or in the carrier (but facing out now!). 

Like tonight for example, I finally had the dogs leashed up, my Uggs slipped on, a poop bag in hand, and Xavi tucked in the stroller with a blanket for a short evening stroll.  He started yelling and kept it up...it was so loud that i couldn't hear the neighbor talking to me as she stood next to me, exclaiming at how mad "she" (Xavi) was.  So, I picked "her" up and carried him for the rest of the walk.  I hooked the dog leashes to the stroller on my giant "mommy clip" and darnit...we finished that walk.  I only had to jerk Diego out of a few bushes as he tried to chase a cat or crow.  Poor Sasha wasn't able to do her business but did get all the way back up the hill without needing me to carry her, too. 

This was also the week that Xavi started napping in his "big boy" crib.  Up til now, he's napped in the bassinet by our bed as that is where he slept at night (well, until he needs to nurse and winds up in bed with us).  It was also the week that he took a ...drum roll please...3 hour nap all by himself, in his own crib.  I was beside myself, on edge just waiting for him to wake up any minute.  He did wake up to nurse twice (or be comforted that mom was standing by somewhere close...) but it sure was a big deal to me!

I realize that often when I post a blog I am a happy momma...but it hasn't been easy and I'm not always happy.  It's just that on the hard days, I usually "choose" not to post anything that day.  I write this paragraph not to be a downer...and don't get me wrong, I love being a mom and I love being everything to this precious boy.  Overall, I am a happier, more centered woman since becoming a mom, but that doesn't mean that there aren't days where it feels like "the wheels are falling off".  It is a strange feeling to have such a huge range of emotions and really not know myself at certain moments in the day.  It is strange to look so forward to having a beer at night (I mean, REALLY look forward to it ;))...my excuse prior to this blog was that beer (particularly Guiness) is a galactogogue...meaning it helps me produce lots of milk (tee hee)!  I've had friends tell me that they have wine every night (at 9pm) since having a baby and in the corner of my non-mommy mind thought that "she could have a problem"...HA!  It's just that no one tells you about some of this stuff before you have a baby and more often than not, people either aren't honest OR they have the amnesia that I think necessarily accompanies most of the hard stuff in child bearing and rearing.  

That being said...3 hour sleep nights aside; forgotten in the sunshine of the day and with the first smile from Xavi...it's been a big week for my big boy.  And I will retire tonight, a happy momma. 

Another great sunset with Catalina Island in the distance