Friday, January 18, 2013

Enough for two

When I was pregnant with Nico, I couldn't fathom loving another baby, or human being for that matter, as much as I love Xavi.  And other moms would assure me that Yes, I would!  That I would have enough love for both of them.  That my heart would grow.  That although I might love them "differently", I'd love both my kids the same.

I remember getting a bit annoyed at their replies and what I took to be as a flippant reply to a genuine and deep fear of mine.  Nico was after all NOT planned (by us) and the timing wasn't great.  Xavi is more than a handful on his could I overcome that plus have enough love to cover everyone?  Is it possible to love more than one person that much?  I remember thinking that it would take a miracle.

To start, let me say that I love that quote about when a child is born, so is a mother.  When I had Xavi, I was "born again".  Everything changed for me.  Priorities.  Goals.  Expectations.  Lifestyle.  and my Heart.  My heart doubled and nothing was/is scarier than the vulnerability this mother's enlarged heart gained.  

Xavi and I have a strong attachment.  Our relationship has always been intense and together we've been through some tough and challenging times.  We traveled extensively together.  We miss each other immensely when we aren't together.  We are learning about life together.  And being "new to the job", he's (hopefully) forgiving me all the mistakes I make and have made.  I've never loved someone like I love Xavi.  He has a great smile and laugh and it lights up my day.  He can also make me really mad.  He can make me really tired.  He can make even simple things like getting dressed or changing a diaper hard.  And I had no idea how in the world I was going to be able to give time, attention, and love to any other being, let alone his little brother.

Nico has dark, sparkly eyes and looks at me out the corner of them, with a slight smile on his face...having a private joke.  Only I get it, too.  He was probably about 6 weeks old when he first looked at me and seemed to say "I'm in love with you."  Now, he has a look that is just for me and it says "We're in love. Right mama?".  He is a little charmer with other people but I know he follows me with his eyes and is always tracking his mama.  And I can honestly say that I now know what those other moms were talking about now.  His little smiles and flirty looks warm me from the inside and although we may not yet have the range of emotional intensity yet (he isn't a two year old yet), I stare at wonder at this little being that brings me such joy.  It IS almost impossible to understand and believe until you actually experience the phenomenon.

My heart has now grown again and the vulnerability is just as scary the second time around.  Now I have two little bodies and hearts that I am not only responsible for, but that I am equally in love with.  Perhaps the love is a little different for each as some moms reported, but equal just the same.  It's a miracle and I'm still learning everyday how to manage the vulnerability, to let go, and to love without fear.  And I'm consciously learning how to love each boy each day; finding the time to pay attention, to connect, to laugh, to coo, to tickle, and to get down to play.  It takes a bit more effort now but I definitely have more than enough love for two.  It's one little miracle I'm doubly thankful for.

1 comment:

  1. I can remember learning the same lesson and finding it equally miraculous. You certainly are a "born" mother and your precious little boys are blessed. Keep loving all of it...