Thomas and Perfectionism?

Xavi is all about trains these days...specifically Thomas the train and his friends.  To date, we have all 8 of the main characters (Thomas, Edward, Henry, Gordon, James, Percy, Toby, and Emily) plus 7 extras (Rosie, Charley, Belle, Diesel 10, Salty, Diesel, and Spencer), 1 light up pumpkin, and 1 caboose.  Plus a few others from different train sets.

I find various arrangements of these trains lined up all throughout the house and sometimes outside too. I've made the mistake of trying to rearrange, straighten, or move any one of these arrangements and inadvertently set off a tantrum, more than once.  Other guests have done the same.

Xavi has them lined up in a very specific order, very specific grouping, and very specific position.  I've tried to add one that he "forgot" and again, witness a flurry of arms, legs, and "NOOOO!"  He knows exactly what he is doing with them and so I've learned to leave them as I find them.  (Except once, I couldn't stand it and after he went to bed, I arranged them in order by train number, regulars in front and extras in back...hmmm, anyone hear anything OCD about that?)...well, when he woke up in the morning, he yelled "NOOOO!" and set about arranging them as he left them the night before.  He remembered!!!  Silly mama.

Most nights, our bedtime routine consists of "TAKE"; which means taking the trains by hand into the bedroom to line up on his shelf.  By hand means NOT by using the bucket or shoe box or anything other than what he deems appropriate. When he wakes up in the morning, he goes and brings them back out into the living room for more play.

Even when he eats, he chooses who will get to eat with him and lines them up very specifically next to his plate.  Incidentally, he also lines up his plate, cup, IPad, and any other item on the table JUST SO.  Lately, he's taken to putting my food on his special plate to even out the proportions if uneven.

Thomas and his friends have been in many places...including the dishwasher!

Outside 

And behind the front door...getting some sun?

He has the take n play quarry climb and drop play set but he doesn't really use any of the "fancy" stuff that the play set does.

 The once bench seat is now cleared off of all other toys to make room for him to run trains.  He allowed me to set up the track but that was it.

Xavi got an alphabet train puzzle for his birthday and we lined that up on the floor...such fun!

But it was even more fun to immediately dismantle and spread all over...Now why is it ok to mess these up but not his trains?  Hmmmm...

Check out this video.  18 month old Xavi is lining up his balls as he practices kicking against the couch.  Amazing, right? Or is that just the mama talking?

I've been told that this specificity, this lining up of his toys is a sign of significant intelligence.  Well, of course!  I could have told you that.  (hee hee)  What I see is a little boy who knows what he wants and mostly he wants things in order.  Is this an early sign of a perfectionist in training?  Lord, I hope not!  I do, however,  know that there will be a few days ahead where I will hear from the boys' bedroom "MOM!  Nico is messing up my stuff!"

OnToday's Menu...Insanity

Today was one of those days.  It all started at 3:50am and just finished around 9:35pm...just a few moments ago, there was a small possibility that I was going to murder the dog if he woke up the baby after all today had to offer.  Luckily for him, Nico settled back in.  I am going to just sit here thinking happy thoughts and drinking tea while I pretend that it is scotch.  All I can say is soooo much poop and sooo many tantrums today...oh and did I mention my memory is gone?  So if I forget your name next time we talk, woman who birthed me (mom)...keep in mind that I probably don't remember my own at this point. 

I need a bit of help so I'm posting some cute, fun memories for today.  

Hope they make you laugh too.  Hope you didn't need them as much as I do.  

PS - And to top it off?  I couldn't get any of my favorite videos to post...arrrgh.  Gonna go have some REAL scotch..and try again tomorrow.  It's a new day, right?

Love us some Auntie Lori Jo

Lori came to visit us the week before Thanksgiving for just a few days...but when she left, she left a giant hole. Usually I worry most about how Xavi will handle saying good bye to our visitors.  It seems to take him a little while to enjoy having them there but then when they leave, it takes a few days for him to get used to them being gone.  This time, Xavi didn't have a chance to warm up to Lori...she came bounding in as only Lori does, scooped him up and they were best buds from the start.  He let her read him stories, played train up her legs and over the mountains (haha), and asked her to carry him.  Lori also rocked little Nico to sleep, changed diapers, did dishes, and in general, got us in ship shape.  I loved having her here, having her close...it felt surreal...like one of those things you wish for all the time but then when she is in our little cottage, I couldn't quite believe it.  So when she left...it was especially hard and I felt really down for the first time since Mario left.  Funny thing is that Rachel left me a voicemail without knowing how I was doing, and she said "I hope you aren't too sad.  I know Auntie Lori is such a big presence and is such fun that it's extra hard when she leaves".  And its true.  She's a very special friend and very special person.  There's no one like her.  My favorite thing about her visits?  That she brings a huge suitcase and almost always wears the same thing the whole time.  hee hee
We miss you and can't wait til next time.  Here's some shots from our visit:

Xavi found Lori's necklace and kept putting it on.  I think it goes perfectly with his outfit.

We watched this digger while out on a walk.

he got tired of walking and reached up to her..she didn't hesitate.

Does Auntie Lori need the pacifier or was it Nico?

Decorating brother is such fun...

Our flower child

Xavi's new special bed when we have guests...reading Llama Llama while he jumps around.  

Dancing over brother, while nude...I wasn't sure Nico would appreciate the view

And of course, we didn't take a photo together until she was leaving...and we weren't looking our best.  Oh well.
See you soon dear friend.  

Thanksgiving

I am thankful for a GOD that can make us mindful with everyday beauty...a sunset, the ocean.  He has blessed us more than I can say and certainly more than I deserve.

so yes, I am thankful for GRACE: The act of showing forgiveness, kindness, but mostly LOVE when it is not deserved or "earned".  Without it, life is miserable...sometimes hard to give but always a blessing when given. 

  

I am thankful for JOY.  My boys bring me soul deep happiness every day in many little ways.  Big smiles and dimples are just two examples.

   I am thankful for my FAMILY...mom, dad, Gramma Mimi, sisters Jewely, Lori Jo, and Rachel, brothers Todd, Matt, and Roger, munchkins Owen, Elodie, and Gabby, hairy kids Sasha, Ponch, and Diego, and of course my Mario, Xavi, and Nico.

   I am thankful for DEEP BELLY LAUGHS such as I know best when I am with my sisters.  I wish them many many more.  It's amazing for me to see how early Nico has responded to his big brother and warms my heart to know that they'll have each other forever.

 I am thankful for ANGELS like our Debbie.  I know that I've had other angels in my life, some that I know are there and some that I can't see.  She is a beautiful, tangible example of all the goodness that true friends bring to our lives.

 I am thankful for BIG TRUCKS.  They bring Xavi so much happiness and me wonderful moments of peace.

 I am thankful for two arms to hold both of them close to my body, close to my heart.  Although I would say I am thankful for SLEEP...there isn't a lot of that happening on a regular basis...but I am thankful for that special time at night that I can listen to them breathe deeply the safe, secure, and restful breath of happy and loved children.  I hold them in each arm and memorize their weight so that I will always remember these beautiful sleepless nights.  Storing them up for those future mornings when I will awake rested, but missing precious snores in my ear all night and sweet messy kisses at first light.

THANK YOU LORD!

Nico's Birth Day - Part Two

Two months ago, Nico was born at 2:20am after 5 1/2 hours of labor in our home in the water.  Overall, it was a "dream" birth.  He weighed 8 pounds 10 ounces and measured 22 inches long.  Healthy and strong,  Xavi's baby brother finally joined our family officially.  We had a few names picked out and even one that we were leaning towards...but I couldn't decide.  The one we were thinking to name him didn't quite suit him the way Xavi's name immediately suited him.  We talked about it and I didn't want to rush it because your name is so critical to your identity, I wanted to be absolutely sure and pure in motive.  It took about 4 days to settle on Nico Felipe.  Felipe for my father Phillip, meaning "lover of horses".  And today I'm confident that his name suits him 100%.  Sweet, pure little Nico.

The night Nico was born, Mario had a workout with Xavi's "help".  I was busy putting groceries away and making dinner.  For whatever reason, I had spent the day grocery shopping and running errands like we were expecting a blizzard.  That whole day I was having a hard time walking and even my shorts felt too tight in my lower belly...like he was sitting really low and the waistband was on his head.  I think that innately I knew what was coming but I was hoping for just a bit more time to get ready...we were at 38 weeks, could I make it until 40?  

 Xavi and I saw Dr. Jen that day.  I tried to get her to guess when he would come and she wouldn't commit...just saying that I could be like this for a week or he could come anytime now.  But she did note that my belly looked different.  I called Rachel and asked her opinion based on her experience.  I think she knew, I think I knew, I think Jen knew...but it wasn't until I was making dinner that I noticed "huh, these "cramps" are pretty consistent.  Maybe I should pay attention.."  I got the stop watch out and timed a few.  3 minutes apart but lasting only 15-20 seconds.  I didn't say anything just yet and finished making food.  I told Mario what I was feeling but not wanting to alarm anyone, I decided that I'd just rest on the couch and see if they slowed down or stopped.  Maybe I just over did it that day?  They slowed a little bit but kept on coming.

Mario and I got Xavi ready for bed and I even read stories, nursed him, and put him to sleep...all the while timing my contractions.  We prepped the room, just in case this was really happening; joking and laughing with each other.  I got in bed to rest/relax as I could but  they were coming a little stronger and longer but still 7-8 minutes apart.  Xavi woke up and climbed in bed with me.  By this time, I was not able to talk during the contraction and even made some intonations/humming with each wave.  We called Karen, Debbie, and my mom.  Debbie got there just in time as I really needed to get in the water for some relief as they were coming harder and had quickly gone to only 2-3 minutes apart, lasting for 45 -50 seconds.  Debbie took Xavi into his bedroom and stayed with him throughout the next few hours.  I think it was around 1 am. when I got in the water.

 The water provided immediate relief and I quickly found the position that was the most comfortable.  The contractions ramped up pretty quickly and I disappeared into my primitive brain.  That part of our brain where reality, normal senses, memory, and time disappear.  That part of the brain that a laboring female has to go to in order to move the new life down and out.  While there I remember thinking "oh crap!  this is hard.  this is really hard.  i can't do it.  i don't want to do this again.  it's too hard."  oh yeah, and "i'm never doing this again!"  (but I said that last time so...)  Eventually all those thoughts made their way out of my mouth and I got louder and louder.

 Mario was the perfect partner as he empathized perfectly with me for where I was at and what I would need in this moment.  He told me to go to that place I needed to be.  He told me to do whatever I needed to do.  He said later that the sounds I made were the same as with Xavi and he immediately was taken back to that experience.  I remember thinking that I sounded a little like a lion and my throat was sore the next day from the roaring and growling.  But it was what I needed to do to ride out each wave and find rest on the other side.  That's the thing about labor...the waves are huge and crashing, potentially crushing, but then there is a lull, a rest where you can catch your breath.  Get the salt water out of your nose and take a few deep breaths.  He also told me to take them one at a time which helped more than anything that night.  And any night you are giving birth...because if you are thinking ahead to how many more you might have to go through, if you think ahead to the effort it will take...there is a very slim chance that you will actually make it to the finish line.  So we did.  We took it one at a time.

 Karen had to drive about 45 minutes over the mountain to get to us, but her assistant lived close and she arrived first.  Talking loudly and unknowingly pulling me out of that part of the brain I so needed to be in...she wanted me to look at her, to stop screaming, to relax...Mario knew I was about to get rude and/or punch her.  But I surprised him and only put my hand in the direction of her face to STOP her voice, words, energy.  She was a student and couldn't help with the birth unless Karen was there...so she put Karen on speaker phone to keep things legit.  Karen finally arrived with about 20 minutes or so to spare.  Everyone got busy preparing for the baby to arrive.  My senses, being so heightened in this stage of labor, could barely tolerate the extra noise of the crinkling paper, the whispering voices, the...who knows what else!  Mario took matters into his hands to quiet and calm things back down so I could stay in the groove. I was already pushing as a matter of course...I mean I just couldn't help it.  I could feel his head coming down but didn't want to believe that we were so close.

 I kept saying "I can't. I can't"  and they kept saying "you can.  you are! you are so close! it's just a matter of a few pushes".  After all, with Xavi I thought we were there many times and it took SO much longer...that it couldn't possible be time to push him out already.  There was a few times that things "stalled":  I was pushing like crazy but he just wasn't moving down very much.  Karen asked me to change position and I said "no" but then proceeded to do exactly what she told me to do.  (I guess even in my primitive brain I have a smart mouth and talk back??)   Karen had Mario get in the tub with me again.   Once she asked me to stand and then squat to use gravity to move him down.  I did NOT want to stand up nor did I think I could but sure enough I did and could almost feel him move down/drop down further.  We then assumed the exact position that I pushed Xavi out:  he was under me, supporting my weight and helping my hips to open.  I pushed with all my might while holding his arms/hands.

With just a few mighty pushes, Nico was out and on my chest.  Immediately, I feel no pain.  There is no more waves, the roaring has stopped, and I only know incredible joy, relief, and peace.  We did it.  Again.  We brought a beautiful little life into this world with as little added interference as possible and achieved our goal of keeping his life potential intact.   Working together as a team, Nico and I, Mario and I allowed the body to do what it knows how to do and do so beautifully.  

 Within 20 minutes of being born, the placenta was out and we were snuggled in bed where Nico nursed without issue.  We kept the cord attached for another 30 minutes until the pulsing had absolutely stopped.  This required putting the placenta in a bowl and keeping it close so that Nico could move with me.

 I got examined while Papa held his son.  No tears or other issues...no passing out, far less blood loss than with Xavi.  All in all, I felt good except my throat was sore.

He's laughing because Nico just did his first poop on him.  

 After giving us time together as a family, the midwives examined little Nico where he passed with flying colors, even for being a little "early".

checking reflexes

We slept for a few hours and I couldn't wait to see Xavi.  I wanted him to see the birth but after being awake through my yelling and roaring, he fell asleep just when Nico was born.  Debbie let him sleep an came out to check on us, marveling at how fast it went.

Xavi had his breakfast and then Mario brought him in.  This was the first time that Xavi didn't reach for me immediately.  He clung to Mario, unsure of what had happened and who that was with mama.  Eventually he crept closer and closer, curious and wary.  

I had to take a picture of his feet...both my boys have big feet like Mario but it was the toes that got me here.
Larsen joke:  "you could climb a tree with those!" haha

 Early days:

 Present day:

 Xavi has adapted to this new life of ours and loves his brother.  He asks to "hol" him, to "ug" him, and frequently and passionate kisses him until I intervene.  If he cries, he looks at me and says "OH! Baby! Baby cry!"  and insists that we go immediately to pick him up.  Twice blessed and then some.  Yes, I birthed these babies but it was I that was "born again" each time. I was born to be their mama.