Enough for two

When I was pregnant with Nico, I couldn't fathom loving another baby, or human being for that matter, as much as I love Xavi.  And other moms would assure me that Yes, I would!  That I would have enough love for both of them.  That my heart would grow.  That although I might love them "differently", I'd love both my kids the same.

I remember getting a bit annoyed at their replies and what I took to be as a flippant reply to a genuine and deep fear of mine.  Nico was after all NOT planned (by us) and the timing wasn't great.  Xavi is more than a handful on his own...how could I overcome that plus have enough love to cover everyone?  Is it possible to love more than one person that much?  I remember thinking that it would take a miracle.

To start, let me say that I love that quote about when a child is born, so is a mother.  When I had Xavi, I was "born again".  Everything changed for me.  Priorities.  Goals.  Expectations.  Lifestyle.  and my Heart.  My heart doubled and nothing was/is scarier than the vulnerability this mother's enlarged heart gained.  

Xavi and I have a strong attachment.  Our relationship has always been intense and together we've been through some tough and challenging times.  We traveled extensively together.  We miss each other immensely when we aren't together.  We are learning about life together.  And being "new to the job", he's (hopefully) forgiving me all the mistakes I make and have made.  I've never loved someone like I love Xavi.  He has a great smile and laugh and it lights up my day.  He can also make me really mad.  He can make me really tired.  He can make even simple things like getting dressed or changing a diaper hard.  And I had no idea how in the world I was going to be able to give time, attention, and love to any other being, let alone his little brother.

Nico has dark, sparkly eyes and looks at me out the corner of them, with a slight smile on his face...having a private joke.  Only I get it, too.  He was probably about 6 weeks old when he first looked at me and seemed to say "I'm in love with you."  Now, he has a look that is just for me and it says "We're in love. Right mama?".  He is a little charmer with other people but I know he follows me with his eyes and is always tracking his mama.  And I can honestly say that I now know what those other moms were talking about now.  His little smiles and flirty looks warm me from the inside and although we may not yet have the range of emotional intensity yet (he isn't a two year old yet), I stare at wonder at this little being that brings me such joy.  It IS almost impossible to understand and believe until you actually experience the phenomenon.

My heart has now grown again and the vulnerability is just as scary the second time around.  Now I have two little bodies and hearts that I am not only responsible for, but that I am equally in love with.  Perhaps the love is a little different for each as some moms reported, but equal just the same.  It's a miracle and I'm still learning everyday how to manage the vulnerability, to let go, and to love without fear.  And I'm consciously learning how to love each boy each day; finding the time to pay attention, to connect, to laugh, to coo, to tickle, and to get down to play.  It takes a bit more effort now but I definitely have more than enough love for two.  It's one little miracle I'm doubly thankful for.

Papa's Christmas Visit

A picture tells a thousand words and I have about 40 pictures I wanted to put on this post...of course, not one of them is of the 4 of us.  grrrr...I can't believe I didn't manage to do that one thing.  And i was trying so hard to capture all the little memories...someone do that for me next time you visit, please? I didn't put all 40 pictures, nor did I caption all  as some don't need explanations.  Like this...

My favorite moment?  Aside from all the special little moments combined, it was when Xavi first saw his papa after more than two months.  As we waited for the train to deliver papa to us on December 15, Xavi and I played on the picnic table watching the waves crash on the beach below.  Nico was sleeping in the baby carrier.  As the train's horn sounded, we watched it come as we do every time the train comes through San Clemente.  We watched it pull up and unload passengers.  I saw Mario, pointed and asked Xavi "who is that?"  He looked and first whispered "papa", then louder "papa!", then he climbed off the table and was running! towards him.  My heart almost exploded and my eyes filled with tears.  Then just as he was within arms reach of Mario, he had second thoughts and turned and ran back to me.  I laughed and tried to catch it on my phone.  I could almost feel Xavi's heart swelling with wonder and joy.  There is nothing quite like seeing my child filled with joy.  Or seeing my husband after so long without him.  Relief filled me knowing that he was home.  

 Then they had to stop chasing each other to watch a garbage truck...some things haven't changed.

I'm pretty sure Mario stored up the moments with his boys in his mind and the feeling of their warmth in his heart.  It was hard to catch it all but I tried...

We were treated to guitar and harmonica concerts, and had family dance parties.  

 We went to the beach even though it was a bit cool.  Xavi didn't seem to mind as he played and played while papa surfed.

Mario and I almost couldn't wait for Christmas to give Xavi his present...a train table with wooden Thomas the train engines.  I won it on eBay and we picked it up together.  On Christmas eve, we set it up in the living room so that he would see it as soon as he woke up.  

 The first moment with his new toy...at 6 am.

And 7 hours later, with only short breaks for other presents and some sustenance...he was still playing with his new train set.  And still in his Christmas jammies.  

 I got the boys matching Christmas jammies...too cute.

 And Nico showed off his mad balancing skills...standing up for papa.  Another athlete in the making?

Diego got some love during papa's visit as Mario is so good at loving him too.  Me?  I scored a beautiful silk robe, new boots, and a purse...exactly what I wanted/needed.  Oh and I got some love too:)

 Nico scored a few new toys as well like this wooden pop up ball...for now, his favorite is still watching brother play and yell around him and well, just looking out for mama.

 I love this face, the eyelashes, the hair, the mouth, the laugh...he brings me such joy.

 Xavi and I took afternoon wagon rides/walks while papa hung out watching football while brother napped.  I was thankful to have some special one on one time with my beautiful and rapidly growing little boy.

Precious.

 Precious.

On our last day together, New Year's Eve, Mario and I got to surf in the morning.  It happened to be less than 40 degrees that morning...the water was in the 50s, and so it felt warm in comparison.  And the surf was less than epic.  But it was our moment and I enjoyed sharing it with him.  I also needed him to be there to help me get out of my wet suit since my fingers stopped working all together.  That afternoon, we caught the last bit of sunshine and the year's final sunset as a family.  We hiked the boys down to our favorite secret surf spot at Trails and threw rocks in the water while papa surfed.  It is those simple, beautiful moments that I have stored up in my heart and that give me hope for the future and for Mario's return in June.

2012's last sunset

 Pure Beauty.  Pure love.

God speed Papa.  We are waiting for you.

Sleep please!

I have a request.  It's actually a prayer request.  I need sleep.

I wouldn't say that prayer is my last resort but putting out a specific request for family, friends, and perfect strangers is.  I've tried everything else.  And I'm putting into action several new steps that I am hoping will get us closer to a full night sleep...all of us.  None of them involves crying it out or other such methods...just gently teaching them to let go and dream while keeping in mind physiology and other sleep science crap.

I am aware that with kids, losing sleep is a part of it...but for the love of everything holy...it's been over 2 years and we have not, not once slept through the night!  I sleep maybe 4-5 hours a night and it's fragmented.  when I wake up, I feel hung over, and move really slowly for an hour or so until the blood has reached my brain.  even then, my brain just doesn't work the way it should.  I have to nap everyday, that is IF I win the "whack a mole" game of putting a baby and a toddler to sleep at the same time.  I look in the mirror and I don't recognize the tired old face looking back at me.  And today?  I swear I found a whole new crop of gray hair all down my part...That was the last straw.  But seriously, there is plenty of challenging things about being home all day with two babies without being up all night as well.

so here I am asking you to pray.  The request doesn't have to be for a holy home run and 8 hours of continuous sleep.  But that me and my boys would settle into a manageable, healthier sleep pattern.  That sweet little Xavi would know he is loved and safe and that sleep is a good thing!  And to enjoy his big boy bed?  Mama is there and will be there in the morning.

Nico is a pretty good sleeper most of the time except for when he is teething or has a tummy ache or...I mean, he IS a baby!  And I really don't expect him to sleep like a big boy...yet.

I will be a much better mama all day, every day if I can get just a little bit more better sleep.  And that is all I really want.  To have a chance to be the best mama I can be. Thanks for your prayers.