Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The First Fever

I haven't posted in awhile because I ended up getting really sick after Washington DC...sure maybe I've had worse colds, but I've also never been sick AND had a four month old baby to care for.  I stressed so hard over whether Xavi would catch what I had..I prayed that he would be spared the sore throat that felt like cut glass, the cough that wouldn't stop (still hasn't), and the fever.  I put my lips to his head and knew I had a fever when he felt cool..I knew he had a fever when he was warmer than I.  Darn!  I don't know how he screamed with his throat as sore as it must've been...but he did.  And I swore that I was never getting on another airplane.  I was never taking him anywhere again...I did this to him. It was my fault and now the only thing I could do was comfort him.  And he didn't let me put him down for almost 2 days... intellectually I know that I shouldn't blame myself, that I can't barricade my little boy in the house to keep him from getting sick or hurt, but it hurt seeing him in pain and without the understanding that this will pass. 

And it makes it even more remarkable that my mom has let me go so far...as far as I needed to go, whenever I needed to go.  She let me fall, let me feel the pain I needed to know, let me walk into bad decisions...not without voicing her concern, and support.  Without feeling  pain, we can't know what it means to feel health, to feel safe, to feel love...to reach dreams. I had no idea that I would be facing the difficulty of letting go so soon.  In the end, I had to (try to) let go of his pain and the blame and just hold him while he cried.  (And let his dad hold him when I couldn't take it anymore...:))

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