Thanksgiving

I am thankful for a GOD that can make us mindful with everyday beauty...a sunset, the ocean.  He has blessed us more than I can say and certainly more than I deserve.

so yes, I am thankful for GRACE: The act of showing forgiveness, kindness, but mostly LOVE when it is not deserved or "earned".  Without it, life is miserable...sometimes hard to give but always a blessing when given. 

  

I am thankful for JOY.  My boys bring me soul deep happiness every day in many little ways.  Big smiles and dimples are just two examples.

   I am thankful for my FAMILY...mom, dad, Gramma Mimi, sisters Jewely, Lori Jo, and Rachel, brothers Todd, Matt, and Roger, munchkins Owen, Elodie, and Gabby, hairy kids Sasha, Ponch, and Diego, and of course my Mario, Xavi, and Nico.

   I am thankful for DEEP BELLY LAUGHS such as I know best when I am with my sisters.  I wish them many many more.  It's amazing for me to see how early Nico has responded to his big brother and warms my heart to know that they'll have each other forever.

 I am thankful for ANGELS like our Debbie.  I know that I've had other angels in my life, some that I know are there and some that I can't see.  She is a beautiful, tangible example of all the goodness that true friends bring to our lives.

 I am thankful for BIG TRUCKS.  They bring Xavi so much happiness and me wonderful moments of peace.

 I am thankful for two arms to hold both of them close to my body, close to my heart.  Although I would say I am thankful for SLEEP...there isn't a lot of that happening on a regular basis...but I am thankful for that special time at night that I can listen to them breathe deeply the safe, secure, and restful breath of happy and loved children.  I hold them in each arm and memorize their weight so that I will always remember these beautiful sleepless nights.  Storing them up for those future mornings when I will awake rested, but missing precious snores in my ear all night and sweet messy kisses at first light.

THANK YOU LORD!

Nico's Birth Day - Part Two

Two months ago, Nico was born at 2:20am after 5 1/2 hours of labor in our home in the water.  Overall, it was a "dream" birth.  He weighed 8 pounds 10 ounces and measured 22 inches long.  Healthy and strong,  Xavi's baby brother finally joined our family officially.  We had a few names picked out and even one that we were leaning towards...but I couldn't decide.  The one we were thinking to name him didn't quite suit him the way Xavi's name immediately suited him.  We talked about it and I didn't want to rush it because your name is so critical to your identity, I wanted to be absolutely sure and pure in motive.  It took about 4 days to settle on Nico Felipe.  Felipe for my father Phillip, meaning "lover of horses".  And today I'm confident that his name suits him 100%.  Sweet, pure little Nico.

The night Nico was born, Mario had a workout with Xavi's "help".  I was busy putting groceries away and making dinner.  For whatever reason, I had spent the day grocery shopping and running errands like we were expecting a blizzard.  That whole day I was having a hard time walking and even my shorts felt too tight in my lower belly...like he was sitting really low and the waistband was on his head.  I think that innately I knew what was coming but I was hoping for just a bit more time to get ready...we were at 38 weeks, could I make it until 40?  

 Xavi and I saw Dr. Jen that day.  I tried to get her to guess when he would come and she wouldn't commit...just saying that I could be like this for a week or he could come anytime now.  But she did note that my belly looked different.  I called Rachel and asked her opinion based on her experience.  I think she knew, I think I knew, I think Jen knew...but it wasn't until I was making dinner that I noticed "huh, these "cramps" are pretty consistent.  Maybe I should pay attention.."  I got the stop watch out and timed a few.  3 minutes apart but lasting only 15-20 seconds.  I didn't say anything just yet and finished making food.  I told Mario what I was feeling but not wanting to alarm anyone, I decided that I'd just rest on the couch and see if they slowed down or stopped.  Maybe I just over did it that day?  They slowed a little bit but kept on coming.

Mario and I got Xavi ready for bed and I even read stories, nursed him, and put him to sleep...all the while timing my contractions.  We prepped the room, just in case this was really happening; joking and laughing with each other.  I got in bed to rest/relax as I could but  they were coming a little stronger and longer but still 7-8 minutes apart.  Xavi woke up and climbed in bed with me.  By this time, I was not able to talk during the contraction and even made some intonations/humming with each wave.  We called Karen, Debbie, and my mom.  Debbie got there just in time as I really needed to get in the water for some relief as they were coming harder and had quickly gone to only 2-3 minutes apart, lasting for 45 -50 seconds.  Debbie took Xavi into his bedroom and stayed with him throughout the next few hours.  I think it was around 1 am. when I got in the water.

 The water provided immediate relief and I quickly found the position that was the most comfortable.  The contractions ramped up pretty quickly and I disappeared into my primitive brain.  That part of our brain where reality, normal senses, memory, and time disappear.  That part of the brain that a laboring female has to go to in order to move the new life down and out.  While there I remember thinking "oh crap!  this is hard.  this is really hard.  i can't do it.  i don't want to do this again.  it's too hard."  oh yeah, and "i'm never doing this again!"  (but I said that last time so...)  Eventually all those thoughts made their way out of my mouth and I got louder and louder.

 Mario was the perfect partner as he empathized perfectly with me for where I was at and what I would need in this moment.  He told me to go to that place I needed to be.  He told me to do whatever I needed to do.  He said later that the sounds I made were the same as with Xavi and he immediately was taken back to that experience.  I remember thinking that I sounded a little like a lion and my throat was sore the next day from the roaring and growling.  But it was what I needed to do to ride out each wave and find rest on the other side.  That's the thing about labor...the waves are huge and crashing, potentially crushing, but then there is a lull, a rest where you can catch your breath.  Get the salt water out of your nose and take a few deep breaths.  He also told me to take them one at a time which helped more than anything that night.  And any night you are giving birth...because if you are thinking ahead to how many more you might have to go through, if you think ahead to the effort it will take...there is a very slim chance that you will actually make it to the finish line.  So we did.  We took it one at a time.

 Karen had to drive about 45 minutes over the mountain to get to us, but her assistant lived close and she arrived first.  Talking loudly and unknowingly pulling me out of that part of the brain I so needed to be in...she wanted me to look at her, to stop screaming, to relax...Mario knew I was about to get rude and/or punch her.  But I surprised him and only put my hand in the direction of her face to STOP her voice, words, energy.  She was a student and couldn't help with the birth unless Karen was there...so she put Karen on speaker phone to keep things legit.  Karen finally arrived with about 20 minutes or so to spare.  Everyone got busy preparing for the baby to arrive.  My senses, being so heightened in this stage of labor, could barely tolerate the extra noise of the crinkling paper, the whispering voices, the...who knows what else!  Mario took matters into his hands to quiet and calm things back down so I could stay in the groove. I was already pushing as a matter of course...I mean I just couldn't help it.  I could feel his head coming down but didn't want to believe that we were so close.

 I kept saying "I can't. I can't"  and they kept saying "you can.  you are! you are so close! it's just a matter of a few pushes".  After all, with Xavi I thought we were there many times and it took SO much longer...that it couldn't possible be time to push him out already.  There was a few times that things "stalled":  I was pushing like crazy but he just wasn't moving down very much.  Karen asked me to change position and I said "no" but then proceeded to do exactly what she told me to do.  (I guess even in my primitive brain I have a smart mouth and talk back??)   Karen had Mario get in the tub with me again.   Once she asked me to stand and then squat to use gravity to move him down.  I did NOT want to stand up nor did I think I could but sure enough I did and could almost feel him move down/drop down further.  We then assumed the exact position that I pushed Xavi out:  he was under me, supporting my weight and helping my hips to open.  I pushed with all my might while holding his arms/hands.

With just a few mighty pushes, Nico was out and on my chest.  Immediately, I feel no pain.  There is no more waves, the roaring has stopped, and I only know incredible joy, relief, and peace.  We did it.  Again.  We brought a beautiful little life into this world with as little added interference as possible and achieved our goal of keeping his life potential intact.   Working together as a team, Nico and I, Mario and I allowed the body to do what it knows how to do and do so beautifully.  

 Within 20 minutes of being born, the placenta was out and we were snuggled in bed where Nico nursed without issue.  We kept the cord attached for another 30 minutes until the pulsing had absolutely stopped.  This required putting the placenta in a bowl and keeping it close so that Nico could move with me.

 I got examined while Papa held his son.  No tears or other issues...no passing out, far less blood loss than with Xavi.  All in all, I felt good except my throat was sore.

He's laughing because Nico just did his first poop on him.  

 After giving us time together as a family, the midwives examined little Nico where he passed with flying colors, even for being a little "early".

checking reflexes

We slept for a few hours and I couldn't wait to see Xavi.  I wanted him to see the birth but after being awake through my yelling and roaring, he fell asleep just when Nico was born.  Debbie let him sleep an came out to check on us, marveling at how fast it went.

Xavi had his breakfast and then Mario brought him in.  This was the first time that Xavi didn't reach for me immediately.  He clung to Mario, unsure of what had happened and who that was with mama.  Eventually he crept closer and closer, curious and wary.  

I had to take a picture of his feet...both my boys have big feet like Mario but it was the toes that got me here.
Larsen joke:  "you could climb a tree with those!" haha

 Early days:

 Present day:

 Xavi has adapted to this new life of ours and loves his brother.  He asks to "hol" him, to "ug" him, and frequently and passionate kisses him until I intervene.  If he cries, he looks at me and says "OH! Baby! Baby cry!"  and insists that we go immediately to pick him up.  Twice blessed and then some.  Yes, I birthed these babies but it was I that was "born again" each time. I was born to be their mama.

Nico's Birth Day - Part 1

 

Two months ago I went into labor with Nico.  I've wanted to write his birth story so that we will always remember the details...I hope I remember them sufficiently after two months and some decent sleep deprivation.  But before we discuss the contractions and the pushing...I wanted to share photos from along the way to his birthday.  

 I had a harder time with Nico's pregnancy...not physically but mentally, emotionally.  Not to mention that this time around I was chasing around a very busy and active toddler...much less time to rest when needed, no time to pamper the baby bump and cherish the baby energy.   I went to the doctor and demanded to know how this happened.  We were surprised and so I needed to know everything:  when (I had no idea when my last period was and so had no idea when we conceived or when we were due),  what (boy, girl, one, two?) , where (no comment), why (see below), and how (well, that is obvious but I still asked, haha).

 We weren't planning on getting pregnant...my mantra had been that we would wait until Mario was done deploying before I got pregnant, let alone give birth to another baby.  I wanted to nurse Xavi until he was 2, get back in good shape and get my nutrition stores back up, THEN think about #2.  Well...I had a feeling something was "up" so I took a test.  It was negative so I thought we "passed".  But then it didn't get better and I had Mario take my pulse...when you are pregnant, your pulse changes and an acupuncturist can distinguish the difference.  Anyway, he got a weird look on his face and said "Maybe you should take another test in the morning".  I did and we "failed".  It was positive.  We were pregnant.  I cried.

This wasn't our plan and all I could think about was that I had somehow betrayed Xavi and that he would be short changed.  Then I thought about how we were going to manage with Mario's upcoming deployment, my work schedule, etc.. I just couldn't see how we were going to do it.  Mario was more positive and upbeat...I just wasn't sure and I pouted a little bit.  I went over it in my brain all the time but we HAD used precautions and there really wasn't anything or anyone to blame...except  fate.  Nico was  destined, pre-ordained to be part of our family at exactly the right time, whether we though it was or not.  

 How could I not be thrilled that we had created a new life?  What was wrong with me?  Well, it took about half of the pregnancy and many tears to accept the "situation", to begin to see the positives, the blessing...and now, on the other side?  I am so in love that I can't imagine NOT having Nico.  Maybe it wasn't MY plan but thank goodness"someone" else had other plans for our family, for Xavi, for me.  Thank goodness that things don't work out the way we want them to, the way we try to make things turn out.  Thank goodness that "someone" creates life and allows things to happen in our lives that are way better than what we were trying to manipulate.

 I was let go from my employment.  Mario's activation date was moved up to coincide EXACTLY with the last day of work (meaning that he was fully employed EXACTLY as I was no longer employed, leaving us in a fair financial situation).  I was able to focus on Xavi full time and prepare for the baby 2.    I couldn't have planned it better.  While I was very sad to close that chapter, I could look forward to the next without worry, without added stress, and without pushing us all to the limits.

 My biggest worry and fear was that I wished I could've spent time with Xavi full time...devoting time and energy to him and his well being without other preoccupations like work, travel, or another baby.  So I made the most of the time we had and poured all I could into my little boy.  Nico was accommodating and made my life easy with a healthy, "easy" pregnancy.  I  had few problems, even at and up until the end.  No pain, no carpal tunnel, no exhaustion...just Braxton Hicks when I over did it.  I nursed Xavi and still do...so I was able to keep producing milk while I was pregnant.  Nico moved a lot, much more than Xavi did in the womb.  My whole belly would gyrate and ripple with his wiggles and stretches.  I felt his hiccups and could almost see the foot that kept poking me in the right flank.

 Xavi liked my belly.  It was like a little (or big) shelf to prop up on, sleep on, sit on...so I knew little brother was going to come out tough from the get go.  We talked about brother and he knew he was in my belly but I doubt he could really grasp what brother meant.  But he still plays with my belly (now it's squishy) and finds great joy in it, so at least he still has that fun.

 We hired Karen Pecora, Xavi's midwife and made our birth plan to have #2 at home, in the water, like the first time.  I got chiropractic care from my friend and great support, Dr. Jen Padrta, took my whole food supplements, and got exercise chasing Xavi (see above photo).

 I cherish the time we had as a family of three and made sure I was present for each outing, however "everyday" it seemed.  Beach days, store outings, afternoons playing in the sun...all of it was special and I'll never forget those days with my little guy.

 One of my favorite memories was the night we painted my belly.  It was a few days before Nico was born.  These are the last photos of me with Nico still secured within.  We made a big mess and colored mama's belly.  Mario helped with the design and overall vision (plus some final flourishing touches of a few choice words) while Xavi added artistic colorings and specific eccentricities.  Getting ready to welcome brother...

to be continued...