Blink of an Eye

I am not sure why but it seems to happen on a regular basis...when we are playing at the park, walking into a store, cruising the grocery store, or sitting on an airplane...but a passerby will smile and make a remark, usually along the lines of "next thing you'll know, he'll be asking to borrow the car"... "goes by in a blink of an eye"...or wistfully "I remember those days" (or sometimes they jump in to help saying with a meaningful glance "I remember those days...been here before! ;)".  But it always jolts me and re-centers me squarely in the present moment...and in a good way.   I am keenly aware of how fast time is moving and how much Xavi is growing everyday. 

And although there are many things for us to look forward to...and days that I look forward to a return to life with the "simple things" like showering on a daily basis, wearing clothes that I've selected carefully instead of thrown on in a haste to chase my escaping child down the street, sleeping in the bed just Mario and I,  eating meals at a dinner table as a family.  I have learned to accept (more or less...more on somedays, less on others)the chaos of each day... and by chaos I don't mean tragic, traumatic, or terrible..just chaos in that life is not predictable right now; we have an outline of a schedule but will it go as planned? (probably NOT); will today be an "easy" day or one in which we fight every step of the way? (getting dressed, diaper changes, wanting to be carried even though his legs work really well and he is getting really heavy, getting in the car seat, staying in the grocery cart, having little temper tantrums when mom doesn't know what he is pointing at, eating or not eating...repeat, repeat). 

I am learning to accept and love the chaos, but I still feel pangs when I catch a glimpse of myself in the store window or my car rear view mirror and think "did I really just leave the house and go out in public looking like this?"  I remember getting admiring glances and feeling good when I noticed that specific appreciation in my husband's eyes for how I looked...now I sadly sigh when I see myself as other people must see me at Trader Joe's...as that "older mom" looking slightly harried and tired...messy hair, no make up, stretchy pants, but holding it together (?).  Thankfully my shallowness is short lived as I don't have the luxury of worrying about that too often...I have a busy little growing boy who wants to look at every truck in Lowe's parking lot, scream and chase birds, and needs his mama to smile and laugh with him...who cares what anyone at Trader Joes thinks! 

And so I do..and we have a great time together.  Someday when he first asks to take the car, I am going to go back and read this post...probably cry...but I will be able to remember exactly how those times smelled and what his little laugh sounded like.  Blink of an eye...I am sure it will seem so...but right now, I'm blinking as little as possible and storing up every smile for when I have to let go...of the keys.